When we enter into a relationship with someone, it never really is unlike anything else before. Although persistency of the past like to say otherwise. You hold onto shards of expectations or the pre-conceived realities placed by past loves, and doubt yourself about this current relationship's survivability. At first, in the beginning; everything dwindles in a chasm of slight insecurity. But now I'm not anymore.

I am a stubborn person sometimes to say I've never given up on the idea of goodness. If we believe in something long enough, and work towards goodness, I believe metaphysically the junctures of fate will bless you in abundance. If we are kind, and giving, and relentless in love for the people around us; I believe truth will prevail. And words of encouragement for one another - be it spoken abruptly or in long paragraphs typed or hand-written - are reflections of the light that reside in all of us. 

Saturday afternoon is a lazy afternoon. With the idea of book-reading conceived but not executed, I am again on the laptop doing a quick reflection of life. The curtains are drawn and the fabric capers softly in the cool breeze. And my thoughts linger on bliss. 

I know anyone who reads my blog is use to my insurmountable obsession with personification and poetic perspectives of life. So here's me speaking plainly; I hope you don't mind.

Great thing about these few days is that I actually took up an ode to teaching. A few lessons here and there with my St Pat boys and photoshop. It's been really good thus far. Especially when I get to pervade into the thoughts of boys trying their very best to use the innocent Adobe program to materialise their fixation of female sexual organs. I feel compelled to lead them to the greater, pragmatical things in life, like actual important life-lessons i.e treating their eventual girlfriends well and paying bills on time, but I am of course no Mother Theresa on drugs and trudging in time-laspe - thus I leave them be as to explore their life now that their Photoshop course is over with me.

And as any bystander can evidently see, being attached has been quite the big deal with me. I suppose most people don't understand the great stipulation as of the matter of getting attached. I honestly as am clueless about relationships after being single for so long; but you do understand when things happen - they just do right? If you know me as a personal friend you know I almost hold no secrets about my life; and am not afraid of judgement from acquaintances or the leering eyes of what we call 'the circle'. We cannot keep the onus of second-handed opinions, and this is the eventuality we have concluded as a couple. We too cannot promise perfection between both of us; what more us with everyone else? Who knows what the future will be? But short-lived as we already are in this world, I've perhaps created the deduction that no matter how much soul I have; people will find reasons to practice their opinion. So love while we can, hurt when the time comes if it does.

On the technical side of things I am starting to panic a little with how slow I am going with my own artworks. But soon these worries would dematerialize after I begin to actually start the ball driving on my own start-up. Teaching, and working with customers has really indeed made me realise better how we as people are. Perhaps this is growing up? Everyday I feel a little more humble than the day before. Don't get me wrong - insecurity isn't part of this equation - but the realization of how unbecoming and futile our existence could be makes me appreciate people in general more. 

Ola, let's see where life takes all of us!

Dance, when no one else is there to dance with you.

When melodies come whispering through the night through the leaves, or the silent songs in the night when you're alone; when you're the most pure. I imagine voices and faces of people in the daytime; the people I have encountered, the coincidence of having people in your life.

Walking home last night, I thought about my neighbourhood. When I was younger I wore perforated white singlets and had the squeakiest pair of mickey mouse shoes. "What a beautiful daughter!" were loud declaring compliments passed to my mom most times when I had to greet these older aunties and uncles. I remember the apologetic laughter when my mum explains I am boy. Where are they now? These people of childhood. In fact - have you thought about the people in your life that has come and gone in near-collisions in your life? Where were the people you have once chanced to meet because of life - be it because of peculiar or unescapable circumstances -  what has happened to them? Have you impacted them as they have impacted you? Or did they - like me - occasionally think about them still, their faces half-blurred with time and its fading memories.

I wonder deeply. I wonder fondly.

I think about you too. How you've come into my life in such a funny way, how out of these things your songs became my songs. your thoughts became my thoughts, how I care so deeply about you in selfless measures I have never thought I would reach. And sometimes I sit on the floor basked in the seeping moonlight, rocking slightly to this song and sipping cold milk. Thinking about the future, thinking about us.

I wonder how humans connect like this. How can two souls chance upon one another briefly, and then they disappear like two colliding leaves in the wind. Do they take along with them mutual memories? Recollections that will slowly gray and lose focus in time, but still generally etched at the back of our minds.

And how another two souls could collide with such fire, such intensity that our lives merge and form and seep into a space where no one else will know. How in a short span of time; the things we called our own became the things we now share between us.

I am not beautiful alone; I am beautiful because you saw me.

You don't know till you finally do.

When I told you everything my parents had to go through and how I felt so compelled to be a filial son to tide through their problem; you said "we will find a way," instead of "you can do this," and when you used the word 'we'; you make me feel like you want to be in this with me. You make me feel like you're trying to find a way into the tracks of my heart. I hear your tireless words, your endless sentences chanted by your voice, the fullstops blending in with the sentences that comes after them, the ease of your spirit as you pour your life to me.

"I guess it was meant to be," I remember saying.

"Yeah, as cliché as that sounds, I guess you're right," I remember you saying back.

So when I gaze at you; I hope you see the ocean that's within my eyes, not just of love, but of the entirety that I am.

The world learns a certain sense of poise that keeps it protected. The more one withholds his feelings and surround himself with eclectic things; cultured friends and well-mannered behavior, social games and grievous literature, perhaps the more comfortable he gets. So people elevate themselves constantly, in this ardent pursuit of silent i'm-better-than-yous. As their lips parade their thoughts, as their hearts shrouded by daggers of judgements, the cycle will continue. The ones around us will deem us before they know us. When in essence I see how simple we are, how unknowing we want to be to the world.

And I am deep in this water with you. As we steady our feather-light romance into something more solid; more founded by the works of us two. I want you to know that perhaps, just perhaps, in time - what we called 'us', will be the ground we shall both depend upon. 

Fingertips tingling, eyes closed in a majestic future.

Us.

:)

:)

Skin, our differentiating hues as we lock our fingers. The right sizes, the right shapes in the uncanny things we call romance.

Light, pretty and infinite. When I chance upon you in the darkness and the raging lights; I wasn't expecting anything but friendly gestures. A warm hello for a familiar face. A smile to end a quiet Sunday. But you took hold of something else altogether; something of silent grandeur laid deep within our hearts. A door I have just closed; you lay your hand between the gaps just before it closed to open it again. Little shards of hope come glimmering off your soul and refracting into mine. But I was scared, scared of the same story with another person.

Some people say perfection cannot come truly; people have to mend their differences to become genuinely one with each other. But what made you slide in perfect tandem? What made your soul reverberate the same songs as my own? Was this pure chance or the works of the divine; sewing the seams of our old worn hearts closer and closer until we could've collide? I am beyond wits end at you. How you fit into every insecurity; every inadequate space; every old scar. 

But this is not just about how I have felt on my own. Here in this with you, I no longer feel like my own. I am a person who is a million things to a million people and situation; so much so perceptions of me vary slightly with every passing soul. But for you, I am just me. You deserve no walls from me, no filtered genuine thoughts. 

I want to be deserving to hold your heart. To be stronger and wiser to give you advice and support in your dreams. I want to stay quietly behind, alongside, in-front of you on this road that has brought us together. Listen to your silent murmurs and accept your past. To be prodded by your keasing and then glancing at your eyes knowing they tell another story; telling me how much you love us. 

And together, into the unknown we will go.

And then, you came in with spectacular speed and sound. All that was before changed. 

15 April 2012: 5 Am.

Here we called the end of something good, something nice.

It was the chords of two trying to play in an attuned melody, but now it is a song of the past and old. I never saw this coming, I never did expect through a series of inebriated events and the scent of genuine feelings of wanting to try to end so badly. This is my sorry to you, sorry that we tried and we didn't work. Sorry that my naivete led us both on, and that we drew on cards we weren't dealt with. How in eventuality; we seemed better before when we were actually friends. 

This is closure to a good thing; but we both could do better.

This is the night, brimming with goodbyes.

I believe in all things, there will always be greatness and sadness. 

How when you come and stirred around with someone else to the point of no return, you wish that new doors would open for the two of you. A step closer, a tighter hug, a warmer grasp. But not every person is a fairytale; not everyone can sense the chemistry you direly want to electrify both of you. You might be in a place where you wish he/she would understand the unsaid charms stirring in your soul; but he/she might not feel the same way. They can't feel your heart the way you want them to; although you try very hard to be that for them as well. 

Swallows, ascending through the sky on their maiden flights. Some things begin to look less bright and sparkly as they used to be. The wind that lifts you in the beginning begin to feel draggy; sluggish even. No longer a myriad of lightheaded emotions. Where you were once corpulent with hope, descends into a growing fear of monotony. Am I never going to find someone who understands me and loves me back? These are very real questions. Questions that haunt you in your sleep and sometimes cradle you to age with. The lack of security; the lack of anything solid. Even when you're in your lover's presence; at the back of your head you don't feel like you're completely in love with this situation. When the feeling of love isn't as you always thought it would be.

Is this reality? Or is it just that you're not with the right one?

Who are we to say anything; but to just merely contemplate on the presence of companionship while it lasts. 

The sense of end draws near.